fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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