so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
