Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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