ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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