You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
