soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
