I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
