im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
