I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize