i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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