just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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