So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
