My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
