Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
