"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize