Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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