Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize