So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
