my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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