Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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