hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
