I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize