is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she pinky promised me she was 18
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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