My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize