my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
