I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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