very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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