he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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