I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
