A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
