i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
