My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
