Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
