I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
