You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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