he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
