I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
