Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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