I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
