I'm really into asian looking animals
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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