I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
