Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
