I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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