dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
