they need to just BURY HIM!
false alarm. still invincible.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
