walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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