I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
