Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
