Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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