Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
