I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
