I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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