When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
