I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize