i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
