no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
