On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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