i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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