when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
