You kept calling me your small dog last night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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