So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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