I didn't shave. On purpose
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
