my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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