Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
