i need an iv and a liver transplant
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
is that a dick in a sweater?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
A bitchslap is in order.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
