The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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