Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
